First Blog Ever.

I know i posted this to my HomeofFans.com Account, but this isnt actually fire related really. =P I do plan on posting my videos on this blog too though.

So I have never blogged before, and I cannot guarantee that I will stick with it, but I figured I should at least attempt it and see, ya know. It's part of a restructuring of my life that I have started.

One thing should be said about me off the bat (i dont like talking about myself much, but i am going to force a paragraph about me later): My punctuation isnt the greatest. It's not that i don't know proper punctuation and grammer, It's just that if i stop typing to make it look good i will lose a lot of thoughts that are flowing. I am very erratic in the way my thought process works and anyone who has had a conversation with me knows that i will jump subject to subject or randomly come back to a subject later when I have had some time to think about it, and on that note-

I have started taking a look at me and my life and trying to find what parts were making me unhappy. I came up with a list within about 5 minutes, so i figured they must be major factors:

-I dont like my physical state; I am overweight and I have lost the little bit of physique i used to possess. I have had back issues that stemmed from a Herniated disc i got doing physical labor at my old job in december. While getting the injury in the first place was not my fault, I have not done nearly enough to help get over the problem and it has caused me a lot of misery that could have been avoided.

-I dont like how pigeonholed i have become, and it's my fault. I too quickly fall into a routine and I don't make an effort to try new things to see whats right for me. This blog is an attempt to rectify this, but more on that later.

-I feel like I am suffocating. I was in a relationship that I wasnt happy with because I was under this understanding that it was the only way to raise a kid, which I know from my own experience with my parents is not the case.

-I am too quick to shut out emotions because for the longest time I have felt like they make me weak.

-I have become a lot less the people person I used to be and that makes me sad. (like that guy talking about fiber in the fiber one commercial)

So what?! These aren't the first time these thoughts have come along, and it's not the first time they have come and went. Why do I all the sudden feel like it's a problem? Well as I stated already, I have a kid on the way. It's due next month (I am not finding out the gender, so -it- is a proper pronoun) and I dont think I would be proud if my child turned out like me the way I am now. I feel it's time to become the person I want to be instead of trying to want to be the person I am. I went and meditated under the St.Louis Arch last night after a botched attempt to hang out with this girl I met recently and found that we have a lot of common interests. The whole night was kind of awkward and I finally decided to go against my own nature and just do what would make me feel better instead of kicking a dead horse. So I went to the arch and I stared at the moon at I put myself in the cave of my original mind and just enjoyed the feeling of being in my body. And I worked out some plans to hopefully better my life:

-I plan on making my health a higher priority. Regular visits to the chiropractor and changing my diet to better facilitate being healthy. I have started doing some basic cardio and back exercises a couple nights a week and hopefully as I can get my back feeling better I can do some more rigorous exercising. I do get a work out firebending, but thats mostly in my arms. I am listening to the audio book for the 4 Hour Body, so far it sounds pretty good and if the whole book pans out well I plan on starting it this week.

-I plan to start trying new things. My financial situation limits how much i can go spend money on, but thats an excuse i have used to not do ANYTHING. there are plenty of things out there that dont cost money, and I am going to find them. I at least want to get out more, even if just over to a friends house to do nothing. This blog is one attempt at trying new things. I am not very good at expressing my thoughts to people, and hopefully I will have gall to just post this and let people read it that want to.

-I plan to cry again. I dont remember the last time I did, honestly. It wast at least.. 7 years ago? I think. I don't plan on becoming a wet blanket and crying anytime I feel slightly emotional, but i SHOULD be able to cry when I am feeling overwhelmed.

-On that same thought as the previous two notes, I WILL start practicing with my fans more. I love spinning and I could be much better than I am. I have drawn up a design for new fans and just need to figure out some materials and have someone help me with the crafting. Or just someone who would let me use their equipment so i can learn how to craft myself.
-I plan to start networking and socializing more. I have some good friends (one of which i plan to write more about later) and still I sit at home instead of going out to see them. That needs to end. I also want to start meeting more people like me.

-I already completed this step, as it was one of the major problems in my life and one of the major things keeping me from being happy: I broke up with my girlfriend. I am sure I will get slack for breaking up with her while she is pregnant, but I honestly feel it is the best decision for BOTH of us and for our child. We started dating in may of 2010 and it was good for a while. We were actually broke up when she found out she was pregnant and our first idea was to stay friends and raise the child together, which honestly was probably the best idea. But then we decided to try out being together again. It was good for a little bit, but I never felt the same way that I did before we broke up. I tried to have those feelings again, but they just weren't there. So the other day I sat her down and explained that. I wasn't mad and it wasn't a rash decision i just pulled off last second. It was a calculated decision based primarily on the fact that I was no longer in love and hadn't been for a few weeks. She was upset, but I think in time she will see that it is for the best for all of us. I also let her know that she still had a place at my home since my breaking up was not out of hatred or dislike. I let her know I would be more than happy to have her as my housemate, and it would give us a great opportunity to still raise the child in a home with both of its parents. My mom left with me and went states away from my father while I was young, and I really don't want to have to raise my child from afar as well.

I am hoping that as time passes, I will be able to update this blog with joy as i progress and achieve my goals. I have all the resources to make this happen. And thats my segway into some of the most important people in my life. Hopefully I post this and some of the people I am about to talk about get to read this:

-Fathom. Definitely one of the most important people in my life. I have known him about 10 years and he has been my anchor to reality for most of that. We have been through a lot and I couldnt have asked for a better friend. My only regret is that over all this time, we have had maybe a handful of true emotional moments. Not saying we havent been there for each other, its just that neither of us are super emotional and neither of us talk about feelings very much when we do have them. This has started changing recently though, and that makes me happy. I dont think I would be the person I am today if it werent for him. Even though there was that one time with that girl I liked.. =P

-My Mom. My mom is one of the most hardcore people I have ever known. She raised all 4 of us boys and never showed any signs of weakness, even though I know she must have felt them sometimes. She kicked ass and took names and gave us the best she could, even when we didn't appreciate it. She raised us damn near single handedly and taught me how important it is to take care of your responsibilities regardless of whether you wanted to or not. A few years ago religion started playing a bigger part in my moms life, and it was around the same time I was becoming confident in the fact that I had no faith and that philosophical taoism was the path for me. My mom never really accepted my choice, and that makes me sad. That and the fact that she lets things get to her to easily and jumps to getting mad are the only complaints i have with her. I love her and my brothers more than anyone in this world:

-My Brothers and I are close, and always have been, and always will be. There isnt anything in the world I wouldnt do for them. I know I have been an asshole lately, but its because I have spent too much time focusing on the negative lately. Thats gonna change. My brother Andrew has had a rough past, but its his trials that have made him the strongest of us all. He has risen against insurmountable odds and become one hell of a guy. I dont think theres anything he cant do. My brother Danny is passionate and wears his heart on his sleeve, and I am kind of envious sometimes. There is never any question to what his on his mind, and he just tells what he thinks all the time. I appreciate that, even when it's me he is being critical of me. Him and my youngest brother lost their father last year and I couldnt imagine what thats like. Not because I couldnt imagine life without my father, but more that i wasnt close to my dad like they were. I think its starting to hit my youngest brother Alex more as he grows up. He has started changing recently, and I think he is wanting to make some changes in his life as well. Hopefully we can make some changes and grow together. My brothers are awesome, and I just hope they know that.

-My extended Family. My dad has always lived awhile from me, and while I went out to see him every summer while growing up, it was hard to have that father/son bond. But the older I get, the more I realize that even that far from him, I have become a lot like him. Both in looks and in attitude, I am very much my fathers son. I wish I had more resources so I could go visit him and my Aunt cathy and see my cousins Stacey and Katie and my second cousins Aidan and Zoey. I miss them all something fierce. Me and Katie were so close growing up, and I miss that bond we used to have.

-My Fire Family. I am closer with some of them than others, but its the family as a whole and the environment that makes them great. I have had some very tough times that I have been able to get through by just getting out there and doing shows and burning all of bad away. I hope that I have been as positive of an influence on you as you have been on me. I love you all. Michelle, Cortney, Ally, Ivory, Guilbo, Holly, Sarah, Crandall, Jameson, Bruno, Rue, Jared, Julian, Paul, Robb and many others, you guys rock my face and I love you all.

There are other people that have influenced me and have made my life great, but a lot of them I will just talk to directly. I hope that I continue to write in this blog, as it felt really great to get a lot of this out. Until Next time, oh wait.. I forgot someone that I said I was gonna talk about:

-Me. I have a hard time talking about myself. I am a dork, plain and simple. I have a very wide array of interests and I think it makes it hard for me to fit into one group completely, but I also think it puts me in a good position to have friends in many different circles. I direct a lot of my feelings inward and try to project a happy exterior because a lot of the time i am afraid to share what im feeling. I have no issue sharing what im thinking, its the feelings that i dont express very well. I have a tendency to infatuate easily but i make friends easier than i make lovers. I have had many occasions where i am interested in a girl but i end up as friends while they end up with someone else and it makes me feel like im not good enough to have the kind of girl i want. But it has also ended up with me having some of my greatest friends. I contradict myself on a fairly regular basis, in fact i have probably contradicted myself in this blog. But I am trying to get to a point where i can express myself appropriately and getting over worrying about the small things. It's time to redesign myself. I do not plan on completely redefining myself as I feel I have a lot of positive to offer the world, and I am learning to be comfortable in my own skin. That skin just needs some modifications.

If anyone actually made it through all of my musings, thank you for taking the time to read this. I hope it was interesting or at least slightly insightful. Just remember to take the time to be wonderful.